


Davekat Pesterlogs

by voiceless_vocabulary



Category: Homestuck
Genre: But you already knew that, M/M, karkat's profanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-07-17 23:12:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 6,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7289854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voiceless_vocabulary/pseuds/voiceless_vocabulary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The regular arguing between Karkat and Dave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 5 in the morning romcoms

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: HEY FUCKASS  
TG: and a good morning to you too  
CG: I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU  
TG: cant it wait  
TG: its like 5 in the goddamn morning  
CG: NO IT CANNOT *WAIT*  
TG: ugh  
TG: lets get this over with then so that i can go back to bed  
CG: I HAD AN APIPHONY  
TG: oh my god  
TG: its too early for this  
CG: NO WAIT LISTEN  
TG: im all ears dude but you better hurry it up  
CG: HAVE YOU SEEN GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST  
TG: thats it  
TG: im going back to fucking bed  
CG: WAIT THIS IS IMPORTANT  
TG: your talking about romcoms at the ass crack of dawn  
TG: you tell me how the hell thats important  
CG: NO THIS IS A SERIOUS QUESTION  
TG: fine  
TG: will it shut you up if i answer  
CG: NO  
TG: sigh  
TG: are you in one of your *feels mode* thingies again  
CG: HOW DARE YOU EVEN ASK A QUESTION LIKE THAT  
CG: I AM NOT SUBJECT TO *FEELS*  
CG: I AM SIMPLY ADMIRING THE RED RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN CONNOR AND JENNY  
TG: just face it man  
TG: your having one of those shipping feels  
CG: NO I'M NOT  
TG: yes you are  
CG: NO  
TG: yes  
CG: NO  
TG: no im not doing this  
CG: THEN ADMIT I'M RIGHT AND I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE  
TG: no man im not fucking agreeing with you  
CG: THEN ARE YOU TRYING TO ONE-UP ME  
TG: how many times do i have to tell you  
TG: i dont do black feelings  
TG: its fucking weird  
CG: NO ITS NOT  
CG: IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL  
CG: IT'S JUST THAT YOUR THINKPAN IS FAR TOO SMALL TO COMPREHEND THE COMPLEXITY OF BLACK ROMANCE  
TG: dude  
TG: what was the reason you wanted to wake me up  
TG: why couldnt you have called kanaya or some shit  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I CALLED KANAYA  
TG: im going back to bed  
TG: if you want to come to my room you can but otherwise im going to bed  
CG: WAIT  
CG: WHAT  
TG: well that got you to shut up quickly  
CG: DUMBASS  
TG: are you coming to my room or what  
CG: I'M COMING BUT JUST TO SPITE YOU  
TG: ok karkles  
TG: whatever you want  
CG: DON'T CALL ME *KARKLES*  
TG: hey i can take back my offer as easily as i gave it  
CG: FINE I'M COMING  
CG: DOUCHE STRIDER  
TG: i like that name  
TG: i think itll grow on me  
TG: what do you think karkles  
CG: YOU ASSHAT  
TG: your strange vulgarity never gets old  
TG: just come to my room already  
TG: you can sleep in here if you want to because i know you probably stayed up until now watching your shitty romcoms  
CG: FINE STRIDER  
TG: yes sir vantas  
CG: UGH

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: ♤

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: ♡

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	2. We are family! All my sisters with me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where doing this man, where MAKING THIS HAPEN

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: WILL YOU PLEASE GET TEREZI TO STOP TRAUMATIZING THE MAYOR  
TG: no man  
TG: shes the aunt  
CG: HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH YOUR SHITTY FAMILIAL RELATIONS  
TG: you just think they're shitty because you dont understand them  
CG: NO I THINK THEY'RE SHITTY BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING WEIRD  
TG: lets go over this again  
CG: PLEASE NO  
TG: i'm the dad you're the mom terezi is the aunt and john is the uncle  
CG: THIS IS JUST THE WEIRDEST SHIT  
CG: HOW DID YOU EVEN FUCKING LIVE LIKE THAT  
TG: we are family  
TG: i got all my sisters with me  
CG: PLEASE STOP SINGING THAT TERRIBLE TRASH YOU CALL MUSIC  
TG: come on man its not that bad  
CG: YES IT IS  
TG: will you at least listen to it for the sake of irony  
CG: NO  
TG: fine then i'll just put the headphones on for you  
CG: NO STOP  
TG: you're listening to this man  
CG: NO  
TG: yes  
CG: YOU FUCKING PIECE OF -  
CG: ...  
TG: you see I told you its not that bad  
CG: IT STILL IS BUT I'VE HEARD WORSE  
TG: do you understand the magic of family now  
CG: NO AND I HAVE NO INTEREST IN LEARNING ABOUT IT  
TG: well you're gonna have to considering we're going to be a one  
CG: WHAT  
TG: who's going to give the mayor the motherly love he desires  
TG: who's gonna tuck him into bed and place a kiss on his forehead  
TG: who's gonna -  
CG: OKAY DUDE I GET IT  
CG: BUT HOW DOES TEREZI FIT INTO THIS *FAMILY* THING  
TG: she's the aunt  
TG: you know your sister  
CG: UH  
CG: THAT'D BE PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD SINCE WE HAD A RELATIONSHIP BACK -  
TG: man you do not want to go there  
TG: you do not want me to divorce you  
CG: WHAT  
TG: well i see you dont care about me *dramatic tear*  
TG: i'll just leave and tz can be the mayor's new mom  
CG: YOURE TAKING THIS FAMILY THING TOO FAR  
TG: *gasp* i'm leaving  
CG: I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE  
TG: i will unless you admit you love me  
CG: OH MY GOD DAVE, COME ON  
TG: *slowly opening the door*  
CG: UGH  
TG: *stepping one foot out the door*  
CG: DAVE  
TG: *taking another step out the door*  
CG: FINE I LOVE YOU  
CG: HAPPY NOW?  
TG: yes  
TG: now lets go build a nursery for the mayor in can town  
CG: *SIGH* OKAY 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]


	3. WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: hey kark whatcha doin today  
CG: SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT I DO  
TG: since now  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT  
TG: nothing  
TG: what made you assume that i wanted something  
CG: A LUCKY GUESS *EYE ROLL*  
TG: you're all i need karkles  
CG: OKAY NOW I KNOW YOU DEFINATELY WANT SOMETHING  
TG: *gasp* im not that low kark  
CG: YES YOU ARE  
TG: fine you're right  
TG: i do want *something*  
CG: JUST HURRY UP AND TELL ME SO I CAN SAY NO  
TG: *crying dramatically* i hope that you're happy karkles  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO BEG?!  
CG: BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL AM NOT DOING THAT  
TG: i just wanted to go on a date with you today  
CG: OH  
CG: UH  
CG: SORRY  
TG: *sigh* you're really stupid sometimes  
CG: HEY MY CONSENT TO THIS DATE IS ON THE LINE  
TG: i know you're gonna say yes anyway kark  
CG: STOP GIVING ME NICKNAMES  
TG: aww you're too embarrassed to answer  
CG: NO I'M NOT  
TG: then yes or no  
CG: I SHOULD SAY NO JUST TO SPITE YOU  
TG: but you're not going to  
CG: YOU'RE A REAL FUCKASS SOMETIMES YOU KNOW THAT  
TG: im waiting for a response karkles  
CG: I TOLD YOU TO STOP GIVING ME NICKNAMES  
TG: *sigh* fine  
TG: im waiting for a response man  
CG: IF YOU ALREADY KNOW MY ANSWER THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING  
TG: im waiting for you're consent  
TG: just doing what ya said  
CG: USING MY OWN WORDS AGAINST ME  
TG: yep  
TG: learned it from the best *wonk*  
CG: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO QUIT UNLESS I ANSWER ARE YOU  
TG: nope  
TG: *plays jeapordy theme song*  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS JEAPORDY  
TG: stop stalling and just answer  
CG: FINE! YES!  
CG: IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!  
TG: yes  
CG: *ROLLS EYES*  
TG: aight  
TG: see ya at 8 cupcake  
CG: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?  
TG: <3

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	4. John's Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aren't Dave and Karkat such reliable friends?

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: dude do you have any idea what tomorrow is  
CG: UH THURSDAY  
TG: its johns b-day  
CG: NOT FOLLOWING...  
TG: his birthday or wriggling day  
CG: OH  
TG: oh is all you have to say  
CG: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY  
TG: did you even get him anything  
CG: ...  
TG: of course  
CG: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET HIM  
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME I HAD TO GET HIM ANYTHING  
TG: real nice karkat, real nice  
TG: youre one of his best friends how could you not know  
CG: WELL LET ME ASK YOU  
CG: DID YOU EVEN GET HIM ANYTHING  
TG: that's not the point  
CG: OH REALLY NOW  
TG: we fucked up  
CG: THERE'S STILL TIME LEFT RIGHT  
CG: WHY CAN'T WE JUST GO TO THE DVD SHOP AND GET HIM ONE OF HIS CRAPPY MOVIES  
TG: you're a life saver karkles  
CG: NO YOU'RE JUST STUPID  
TG: what can i say  
TG: that's what's in the strider package  
CG: IS NOW REALLY THE TIME TO START TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF  
TG: anytime is a great time to talk about myself  
CG: JUST HURRY AND PICK ME UP SO WE CAN GET JOHN HIS PRESENT  
TG: well someone's not so enthusiastic  
CG: WHAT IS SO EXCITING ABOUT PICKING OUT A GIFT  
TG: dont you want to see johns happy face once he opens up his present and sees his favorite movie  
CG: HAVE YOU EVEN LEFT YET  
TG: these things cannot be rushed  
CG: I'M ABOUT TO START WALKING IF YOU DON'T HURRY YOU'RE ASS UP  
TG: ugh fine im on my way  
CG: THANK GOD  
CG: IT'S FUCKING 12TH PERIGEE  
TG: see ya  
CG: YEAH YOU TOO

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	5. WHY...JUST WHY?

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: remember the shipping grid you drew   
CG: UH   
CG: WHICH ONE  
TG: you know the one with me rose john and jade  
CG: YEAH WHY  
TG: dont you think you need to update it  
CG: THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO   
CG: I DOUBT I EVEN HAVE THE FILE FOR IT ANYMORE  
CG: WHY ARE YOU ASKING ANYWAY   
TG: well your supposed solution completely failed  
CG: I KNOW   
CG: YOU GUYS LET THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE DOWN  
CG: SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU HUMANS  
TG: you know you're glad the way it turned out  
CG: WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO ASK  
CG: I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE EVEN INTERESTED IN SHIPPING  
TG: well im not but i thought you would be   
CG: I DON'T THINK I COULD CREATE A NEW ONE ANYWAYS  
CG: NONE OF YOU LIKED YOUR OWN RACE   
CG: WELL BESIDES JOHN  
CG: AND EVEN THAT'S MESSED UP  
CG: ISN'T ROXY YOUR MOM AND LIKE HIS FATHER'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER   
TG: please dont go into details man  
CG: WAIT WOULDN'T THAT MAKE HIM YOUR DAD  
TG: please just don't  
CG: THAT'S HILARIOUS   
CG: YOU MIGHT EVEN GET A BROTHER OR SISTER LATER ON  
TG: oh my god please stop  
CG: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT THIS UP  
CG: IT'S NOT MY FAULT  
TG: its fucking weird  
TG: it'd be like kanaya dating kankri  
CG: YOU DO REALIZE HE ISN'T THE EQUIVALENT OF A PARENT   
TG: well then it'd be like me dating your lusus  
CG: UH  
TG: exactly  
CG: THANKS THAT IMAGE IS STUCK IN MY THINKPAN NOW  
TG: that's what i have to deal with  
CG: I'M SO SORRY  
TG: yeah  
CG: WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN?  
TG: i...i dont even know  
CG: WELL I'M GOING TO TRY TO GET RID OF THAT THOUGHT THAT YOU IMPLANTED  
CG: I'LL SEE YOU WHEN I GET OUT OF THERAPY  
TG: haha ok  
TG: tell rose to make time in her schedule for another session  
TG: i think i might need to go too  
CG: *eyeroll* SURE THING

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]


	6. can you write a fanfiction?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave tries to persuade Karkat into helping him write a fanfiction for his favorite couple, evad and takrak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh! Man, when was the last time I even updated? Sorry for those of you who actually read this and we're hoping for an update after chapter 6. Anyways, thank you for reading this far! It means a lot.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: hey ol' buddy  
CG: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT STRIDER  
TG: why do you assume i want something  
CG: WHENEVER DO YOU ADDRESS ME AS OL' BUDDY?  
TG: you know just a nickname  
CG: CUT THE CRAP DAVE, I KNOW YOU WANT SOMETHING  
CG: NOW HURRY UP AND TELL ME BEFORE I LOG OFF  
TG: fine  
TG: i need your help to write a story  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: you know  
TG: something you read  
CG: YES I FUCKING KNOW WHAT A STORY IS, IT JUST STRUCK ME AS ODD THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY WRITING ONE  
TG: oh  
TG: thats fair  
CG: SO WHAT STORY ARE YOU WRITING ANYWAYS?  
TG: now dont laugh at me  
CG: STRIDER, I AM NOT MAKING ANY PROMISES  
TG: rose said she wanted me to "express my inner self and use some creative thought processes"  
TG: whatever the fuck that means  
CG: SHE PROBABLY WANTS YOU TO ACTUALLY USE YOUR BRAIN SINCE YOU DON'T HALF THE TIME  
TG: i use my brain  
CG: I WANT YOU TO ACTUALLY COMPREHEND WHAT YOU JUST SAID  
TG: i use my brain *most* of the time  
CG: DAVE  
TG: fine! i use it *some* of the time  
CG: I GUESS I'LL GIVE YOU THAT  
CG: SO WHAT STORY DO YOU PLAN ON WRITING  
TG: ok have you ever heard of "fanfiction"  
CG: OH MY GOD  
TG: what  
CG: DAVE  
TG: what  
CG: I...I'M SHAKING MY HEAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN'T SEE ME  
CG: I JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW  
TG: what'd i do  
CG: DAVE, WHAT FANFICTION DO YOU EVEN READ  
TG: oh, cool stuff  
TG: like stuff for my favorite comic, housefree  
CG: UGH  
CG: HOW DO YOU EVEN READ THAT CRAP? AND IT'S AS LONG AS FUCK  
CG: I MEAN, WHO SPENDS 7 YEARS READING A WEIRD COMIC THAT HAS OVER 10,000 FUCKING PAGES?  
TG: i do  
CG: OKAY, WELL YOU HAVE PROBLEMS  
TG: no, you would really love evad and takrak  
TG: they are *hilarious*  
CG: TAKRAK? REALLY?  
CG: WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?  
CG: HIS LUSUS MUST OF HATED HIM  
TG: or esor and ayanak  
CG: WHO EVEN COMES UP WITH THESE WEIRD ASS NAMES?  
TG: dude you should just read it  
CG: I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING A GODDAMNED STORY  
TG: yeah  
TG: of my favorite ship  
CG: I...TODAY IS GOING TO BE A LONG FUCKING DAY ISN'T IT  
TG: hey, you get to spend it with the coolest guy on the meteor  
CG: YOU ARE THE ONLY "GUY" ON THE METEOR  
TG: does that make me any less cooler  
CG: LET'S JUST START WRITING THIS CRAPPY STORY  
TG: alright

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGenticist [CG]


	7. Battle Of The Links

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope these links work  
> (All artwork is not my own)

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE, JUST...WHY?  
TG: what  
CG: YOUR BLOG  
TG: what about it  
CG: OH DON'T GIVE ME THAT  
CG: I'VE SEEM WHAT HORRORS YOU'VE CREATED  
TG: horrors?  
CG: EXPLAIN TO ME THIS  
CG: https://goo.gl/images/wuOejk  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: i remember that  
TG: what about it  
CG: THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOING TO SAY "WHAT ABOUT IT"?  
TG: what are you criticizing my art processes now  
CG: *BREATHES HEAVY SIGH*  
TG: you literally just texted me that you breathed a heavy sigh  
CG: JHCOUR85U3AOFUOHVPVIGX*_#£%!KDUTFPITR0E8RAUWE9YIXJX  
TG: uh  
TG: you ok there  
CG: no fuck let me put caps lock back on  
CG: THERE WE GO  
CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE DORITO ART?  
CG: WHY DID YOU EVEN CREATE THIS?  
TG: well if you didn't like that one, perhaps you'd like this one  
TG: http://www.funnyjunk.com/imgrd/rd/comments/ab/07/ab07bf84e543744df25ffc042c5b41fd.png/  
CG: THAT'S THE SAME FUCKING THING!  
TG: no its not  
TG: totally different thing man  
CG: YOU SHOULD BE DRAWING THINGS LIKE THIS  
CG: https://goo.gl/images/rKl2  
TG: you mean like this  
TG: https://goo.gl/images/CLNjIa  
CG: ASDFGHJKLQWERTUIOP  
TG: are you having some issues today dear karkat  
CG: I'M DONE  
TG: i could set you up for a 3:30 with rose  
CG: BYE FUCKASS  
TG: so...2:30

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]


	8. housefree is best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: hey are you busy  
CG: YES  
TG: cool  
TG: anyway I want to talk to you about housefree  
CG: UGH  
CG: HERE WE GO AGAIN  
TG: no seriously dude this is a legit web comic  
CG: WELL COMING FROM THE ONE WHO WRITES SBAHJ, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TRUST YOU  
TG: can i at least give you a summary  
CG: NO  
TG: okay so these kids go off on an adventure  
CG: GODDAMNIT  
TG: and they meet these aliens and fight monsters  
CG: OH MY GOD  
TG: then they get these powers and shit and become like gods  
CG: THIS IS BORING AS FUCK  
TG: come on man you didn't even give it a chance  
TG: you should totally read it  
CG: NO  
TG: i even managed to get rose to read some of it  
TG: she actually kind of likes it ya know all of that vocabulary stuff  
CG: AND WHY SHOULD I CARE  
TG: because we are bros  
CG: AND WHENEVER DID I CONFIRM THAT WE ARE IN THE RELATIONSHIP STATUS OF "BROS"  
TG: whenever we got on this goddamned meteor  
CG: RIGHT  
TG: can you at least respect my interests  
CG: YES, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T FUCKING SHOVE THEM DONE MY CHITINOUS WIND PIPE  
TG: hey you talk to me about romcoms all the time  
TG: remember that one time you texted me at 5 in the fucking morning because you wanted to talk about shipping some shit  
CG: THAT WAS *ONE* TIME  
CG: AND BESIDES YOU SHIP AS WELL WITH YOUR STUPID COMIC  
TG: no man i don't just "ship"  
TG: i have an entire fucking armada  
CG: ALL THE MORE WHY I SHOULDN'T READ THIS COMIC  
TG: come on  
TG: can't we come to a compromise  
CG: NO  
TG: please  
CG: NOT GOING TO HAPPEN  
TG: im on my knees begging man  
CG: NO  
TG: pleeeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeeee  
CG: UGH  
CG: .........FINE, BUT YOU HAVE TO DO WHATEVER THAT I WANT FOR AN *ENTIRE* DAY  
TG: ok deal  
TG: but you have to read the comic until at least act 5  
CG: FINE, BUT YOU HAVE TO START OFF BY WATCHING THE MOST CHEESIEST OF ROMCOMS EVER CREATED  
TG: is this even a fair compromise  
CG: DEPENDS, HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT ME TO READ THIS COMIC  
TG: alright deal  
CG: deal

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGenticist [CG]


	9. Karkat: Be the pumpkin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Early Halloween! Have a pesterlog!

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: you know what day is coming up right  
CG: UH...SUNDAY?  
TG: no   
TG: halloween  
CG: IS THAT SOME SHITTY HUMAN THING?  
TG: not really  
TG: you get candy, watch scary movies, and dress up  
CG: THAT SOUNDS STUPID   
TG: come on didn't your planet have some type of holiday like this  
CG: DO YOU REALLY THINK WE HAD THE TIME TO BULLCRAP AROUND  
TG: ok well then we'll celebrate your first halloween together  
CG: NO  
TG: i can get kanaya to make you a costume  
CG: LIKE WHAT  
TG: on my first halloween i was dressed as a pumpkin  
TG: ironically of course  
CG: YOU EXPECT ME TO DRESS UP AS SOME HUMAN EARTH FRUIT?  
TG: yes  
CG: THEN WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DRESS UP AS  
TG: myself of course  
TG: since everyone wants to be me  
TG: it'll be the best costume ever  
CG: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS  
TG: please  
CG: DAVE THIS IS A WASTE OF MY PRECIOUS TIME  
TG: what do you mean  
TG: don't you know that i'm made of time  
CG: THAT DOESN'T EVEN APPLY TO YOU  
TG: come on  
TG: just once  
CG: I'M PICKING OUT YOUR COSTUME THEN  
TG: what   
TG: but wasn't i supposed to be myself  
CG: NO YOU ARROGANT FUCK  
TG: then what do you think i should be  
CG: WELL IF I'M BEING A SHITTY EARTH PUMPKIN  
CG: YOU CAN BE DISGUSTING EARTH BROCCOLI   
TG: what  
CG: YES  
CG: YOU ARE BEING BROCCOLI   
TG: you're kidding  
CG: DOES IT SOUND LIKE I'M KIDDING  
TG: well I guess we'll be humiliated together  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS A NORMAL THING ON YOUR PLANET  
TG: yes  
TG: it is tradition to dress up as vegetables in order to scare children into eating them  
CG: YOUR CULTURE WAS FUCKED UP  
TG: no you dumbass  
TG: you know what nevermind

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	10. history lessons with dave strider

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: what's up  
CG: NOTHING MUCH, YOU?  
TG: you haven't prepared  
CG: FOR WHAT, THE APOCALYPSE?  
TG: no dumbass thanksgiving  
CG: IS THIS ONE OF YOUR MANY SHITTY EARTH HOLIDAYS?  
TG: yes but it rules  
CG: IN WHAT WAY DOES THIS HOLIDAY *RULE*?  
TG: you know you get to eat stuff learn about pilgrims and shit and watch football if you want  
CG: HUMANS CELEBRATE THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT OF THINGS, IT AMAZES ME. HOW DOES ONE CLASSIFY A HOLIDAY AS EATING FOOD, WATCHING TELEVISION AND LEARNING ABOUT WHATEVER A PILGRIM IS, A HOLIDAY?  
TG: ugh it's a long boring historical story  
CG: YOU'VE GOT TIME  
TG: and how do you know that  
CG: YOU'RE THE FUCKING KNIGHT OF TIME, WHAT DO YOU THINK?  
TG: fine  
TG: so like in 1492 Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue  
CG: WHY  
TG: because he wanted to get fucking rich and live forever  
CG: SOUNDS LEGIT, CONTINUE  
TG: ok time skip  
TG: turns out Christopher Columbus didn't land in America but he was the one that eventually led others to coming here  
CG: I DON'T SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING  
TG: well the mayflower a ship came to america too and they lived in crappy towns  
CG: NOTHING SO FAR  
TG: so like the leader what's his face befriended an indian leader and you know had a culture exchange  
CG: WHAT IS AN INDIAN  
TG: ugh you're making this longer than it should be  
TG: well stupid ass colombus thought he landed himself in motherfucking asia and india was where he planned to be  
TG: he just called the people there indians because he thought he was in india  
TG: they worship animals wear beads and live in triangle tents called tee-pees  
CG: WELL THAT'S NOT VAGUE AT ALL  
TG: so they were happy that they became allies and were *thankful* so they celebrated by having a feast that lasted for 3 days in celebration of their first harvest  
TG: they also thought sweet potatoes were poisonous  
TG: i don't really know how that made it too the table  
CG: THAT WAS THE SHITTIEST STORY I EVER HEARD.  
TG: if you want a 20 hour detailed description of thanksgiving go talk to lalonde  
CG: WHEN IS THIS HUMAN THANKSGIVING ANYWAY?  
TG: tomorrow  
TG: rose and i are going to wake up at 4 in the morning to cook the turkey  
CG: A TURKEY?  
TG: yeah i'm sure she could just alchemize the entire feast but that'd take the fun out of it  
CG: I'M NOT SURE WAKING UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN TO COOK SOMETHING WOULD BE CONSIDERED *FUN*  
TG: you should help  
TG: i think you'd do a great job at de-gutting it  
CG: I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I'M GOING TO ASSUME IT'S SOMETHING TERRIBLE SINCE YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO HELP.  
TG: trust me it's perfect  
TG: plus johns bringing a recording of the macy's thanksgiving parade from a few years ago  
TG: oh and i can't wait to taste grandma's pumpkin pie john says it's boss  
CG: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT  
TG: its just like a party dude  
TG: except like more food  
CG: ALRIGHT, I GUESS I BETTER GET TO BED THEN SINCE I HAVE TO GET UP AT 4 IN THE MORNING TO DE-GUT A TURKEY.  
TG: pftt ok  
TG: g'night

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	11. YOU HAVE NO SOCIAL LIFE

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] 

CG: DUDE YOU HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO ME IN LIKE 7 DAYS. LIKE WHAT THE CRAP? ARE YOU DEAD?  
TG: nah  
CG: ALL YOU'RE GOING TO SAY IS *NAH*?  
TG: what i've been busy too you know  
CG: *BUSY* I DON'T KNOW IF I BUY THAT  
TG: i have a life too you know  
CG: NO YOU DON'T   
TG: well for your information i've been talking with feferi  
CG: FEFERI? WHY?  
TG: she's pretty cool i guess  
TG: what are you jeal-lous  
CG: NO, JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU, YOU SMARTASS.  
TG: aww karkles cares about me  
CG: WHATEVER, ANYWAY WHAT BUSINESS DO YOU HAVE WITH HER?  
TG: i'm not telling you that  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: its a secret  
CG: YOU KNOW I COULD JUST ASK HER MYSELF. SHE'S NOT THAT GOOD AT KEEPING SECRETS.  
TG: no it'd ruin the surprise  
CG: WHAT SURPRISE?  
TG: i've said too much already  
CG: DAVE  
TG: karkat  
CG: DAAAAVVVVEEEE  
TG: kaaaaarrrrkkaat  
CG: AWZ96W7E9YFIVP ¥#×7ITAI  
CG: JUST TELL ME!  
TG: i can't   
CG: I'M GOING TO FIND OUT ANYWAY, WHY WON'T YOU JUST SAVE ME THE TROUBLE?  
TG: you are so very persistent   
CG: TELL ME  
TG: fine i'll tell you *part* of it  
CG: GOOD ENOUGH I SUPPOSE  
TG: so feferi and i were going through some old dream bubbles right  
CG: RIIIGGHT  
TG: well we found a few of your old memories and keepsakes  
CG: DAVE WHAT DID YOU FIND  
TG: i can't tell you anything else  
CG: DAVE  
TG: let's just say we laughed our asses off  
CG: I HOPE YOU DIDN'T FIND WHAT I THINK IT IS  
TG: it probably is  
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!  
CG: I ABSOLUTELY *HATE* MY PAST SELF WITH SUCH A PASSION  
TG: do you need jade to help auspisticize between present you and past you again   
CG: NO!  
CG: WELL MAYBE  
CG: NO!  
CG: LF8₩#8@€'OWYE8EOUVI )"€=$36207y%86'8:0 4Q53D0UGIVPIBIF9FU  
TG: dude chill  
TG: your writings and pictures and stuff were actually pretty fucking adorable  
CG: CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT POINT YOU ACTUALLY WENT TO?!  
TG: we went to several   
TG: the first one we went to was that time when you had that weird hate crush on john  
CG: DEAR FUCKING GOG  
CG: WELL THAT'S IT. I HAVE EXACTLY 0 DIGNITY NOW.  
TG: that drawing you made omg  
CG: WHICH ONE?!  
TG: hahaha you made more than one!  
CG: I'M DONE. JUST DONE. FML.  
TG: pfft anyway after that we went to the one where you started to find interest in THE dave strider  
CG: OMFG  
TG: dont worry  
TG: once anyone gets a glimpse of THE dave strider they can't get enough   
TG: it was bound to happen   
CG: AND WHAT DIGNITY-DESTROYING ITEM DID FIND IN THIS HELLHOLE OF A MEMORY  
TG: well just so you know i found a journal   
CG: THAT'S WHAT I WAS HOPING YOU WOULDN'T FIND. I'M DONE.  
TG: but...  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: i didn't read it  
CG: YOU DIDN'T?  
CG: AFTER YOU RUMMAGED THROUGH ALL MY OTHER STUFF, YOU WOULDN'T READ MY JOURNAL?  
TG: no i just kinda thought...  
CG: THOUGHT WHAT?  
TG: nevermind it doesn't matter  
CG: NO YOU FOUND ALL MY EMBARRASSING SHIT, TIME FOR YOU TO TELL ME YOUR EMBARRASSING SHIT.  
TG: well...i wanted to leave some parts of our relationship a mystery  
TG: i didn't want to spoil it  
TG: i wanted to figure it out myself when the time's right  
CG: I LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT YOU ASSHOLE  
TG: yeah  
TG: i do have the journal if you want it back  
CG: NO, ACTUALLY...I THINK YOU *SHOULD* READ IT.  
TG: really?  
CG: YES, I TRUST YOU  
TG: nice  
TG: also i was talking to feferi about you  
CG: WHAT'D SHE SAY?  
TG: well you were close friends a long time ago  
CG: YEAH?  
TG: she told me that you talked about me a lot when you were speaking with her  
CG: EH...I DID?  
TG: well i guess you've got a taste for the strider   
CG: WHATEVER  
CG: IS THAT ALL SHE SAID?  
TG: well some other personal stuff that i'm not obliged to tell you  
CG: OH OK  
CG: UGH THIS CONVERSATION   
TG: i know right  
CG: EVERY SENTENCE MAKES ME WANT TO CRINGE  
TG: i'll delete it later  
CG: THANKS, SEE YOU TOMORROW?  
TG: sure  
CG: ALRIGHT, LATER DUMBASS

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]


	12. [S] Karkat: Have group chat

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened chat

CG: I AM HERE TO DISCUSS MATTERS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE.

twinArmageddons [TA] joined chat

TA: may ii 2ugge2t Eriidan leaviing everyone the fuck alone

caliginousAquarium [CA] joined chat

CA: Hey, that's not fair!

carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned twinArmageddons [TA] from chat

carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned caliginousAquarium [CA] from chat and future chats

CG: IS THERE ANY OTHER IGNORANT COMMENTS THAT NEED TO BE SAID BEFORE I BAN YOU?

gallowsCalibrator [GC] joined chat

GC: Y3S  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TEREZI?  
GC: 1 TH1NK W3 4LL N33D TO KNOW TH3 JU1CY D3T41LS B3TW33N TH3 R3L4T1ONSH1P TH4T 1S OF YOU 4ND STR1D3R  
CG: NO

grimAuxillatrix [GA] joined chat

GA: Oh I Do Agree.  
CG: KANAYA, DON'T GET YOUR MIND CORRUPTED BY TEREZI  
CG: IT IS FAR TOO EARLY IN THIS CONVERSATION FOR THAT  
GC: H3Y! >: [  
CG: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY IMPORTANT TOPICS TO DISCUSS IN THIS CHAT!  
GA: I Do.  
CG: WHAT?  
GA: I Was Wondering To When Your Marriage Will Be Planned, And Of Which Material I Should Sew Your Dress Of.  
CG: FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING STRIDERS OF ANY SORT!

turntechGodhead [TG] joined chat 

TG: what did i do to get such a negative view on this chat  
CG: DEAR GOG NOT YOU  
TG: it is i  
CG: THE DOUCHEBAG  
CG: CAPE AND ALL  
TG: no one talks trash about the cape man  
TG: not cool  
GC: 1 B3L31V3 MY D4NC3STOR WOULD SAY "C4P3S 4R3 R4D2C4L 2 TH3 M4X YO!"

carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned gallowsCalibrator [GC] from chat

carcinoGeneticist [GC] banned grimAuxillatrix [GA] from chat

carcinoGeneticist [GC] banned turntechGodhead [TG] from chat

ectoBiologist [EB] joined chat

EB: Hey Karkles!

carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned ectoBiologist [EB] from chat

CG: ANYONE ELSE?  
CG: NO?  
CG: GOOD  
CG: SO AS I WAS SAYING, MATTERS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE.

apocalypseArisen [AA] joined the chat

AA: I t00 have s0me 0pini0ns  
CG: UMM...SURE  
AA: Sh0uld I destr0y this building bef0re or after 12:30?  
CG: WHY ARE YOU DESTROYING A BUILDING AGAIN?  
AA: The universe t0ld me t0 get y0ur advice 0n the matter

carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned apocalypseArisen [AA]

CG: ALRIGHT, EVERYTHING IS SETTLED.  
CG: GOOD?  
CG: GOOD  
CG: NOW, AS I WAS SAYING

tentacleTherapist [TT] joined chat

TT: You aren't going to get anything accomplished during this chat.  
CG: DON'T YOU THINK I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THAT?  
CG: ALL THESE PEOPLE HAVE THEIR HEADS STUCK SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES THAT THEY CAN'T EVEN REALIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS CHAT.  
TT: And exactly what point are you trying to get across?  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, BUT LIFE AND DEATH SEEMS PRETTY IMPORTANT TO ME.  
TT: So, this is a decision that is between life or death?  
CG: YES, AND RIGHT NOW IF ANY ONE ELSE INTERRUPTS ME, I SWEAR I WILL GO WITH THE LATTER.  
TT: I see...what is the situation?  
CG: GAMZEE HAS GONE OFF HIS ROCKER AGAIN.  
TT: But wasn't he locked in the fridge?  
CG: EXACTLY, THIS IS WHY THIS CONVERSATION IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE.  
CG: NOW BEFORE THIS BECOMES A GODDAMNED MASSACRE, I WOULD ACTUALLY APPRECIATE SOME HELP.  
TT: So, did you see him when he escaped?  
CG: NO, JUST THE CHAINS HAVING BEEN RIPPED OFF THE FRIDGE.  
CG: WHO KNOWS WHERE THE HELL HE COULD BE NOW

terminallyCapricious [TC] joined chat

TC: HoNk HoNk MoThErFuCkErS  
TC: :o) (o:  
CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed chat


	13. YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW YOU!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really (wonks at terrible joke)

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: good morning babe  
CG: MY MORNING HAS BEEN TERRIBLE, AND I AM NOT A HUMAN CHILD.  
TG: well someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed  
CG: THERE WAS NOT A SIDE OF THE BED TO EVEN WAKE UP ON!  
TG: uh  
TG: not following   
CG: LET'S JUST SAY THERE WAS LOTS OF *NOISE* GOING ON FROM DOWN THE HALL, AND I WAS FORCED TO MOVE TO THE LIVING ROOM.  
TG: you could have just slept on the couch dude  
CG: BELIEVE ME, I TRIED.  
CG: IT'S NOT THE SAME AS THE WARMTH AND COMFORT OF MY OWN BLOCK THOUGH.  
TG: what about my room  
CG: I AM NOT SLEEPING IN A ROOM THAT HAS EMPTY GALLONS OF APPLE JUICE AND DIRTY CLOTHES SCATTERED ABOUT.  
TG: my room isn't that bad   
TG: youre just over exaggerating  
CG: I'VE WITNESSED THE SCENE MYSELF DAVE, WHAT I DESCRIBED AS YOUR ROOM WAS MERELY AN UNDERSTATEMENT.  
CG: TELL ME, WHAT'S THE CLOSEST OBJECT TO YOUR RIGHT, DAVE.  
TG: that is for me to know   
CG: IT'S A GALLON OF APPLE JUICE ISN'T IT?  
TG: well i guess youll never know  
TG: since you wont be sleeping in here  
CG: THANK THE FUCKING GODS I WON'T.  
TG: your welcome  
CG: I WALKED MYSELF RIGHT INTO THAT JOKE, DIDN'T I?  
TG: *double pistols and a wink*  
CG: I REALLY DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOUR SHENANIGANS TODAY.  
TG: why, are you going on a date karkitty  
TG: why didnt you tell me anything  
CG: FUCK YOU  
CG: AND NO I'M NOT GOING ON A HUMAN *DATE*, BUT I BET YOU'D LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU?  
TG: of fucking course, sign me the fuck up  
TG: oh, but ive got to get that perfect dress and manicured nails (dont forget about that hair too), so give me about 5 years  
CG: ANYWAY, I DOUBT I'LL GET SLEEP TONIGHT EITHER.  
TG: why not  
CG: WELL THE *NOISE* HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR OVER A WEEK NOW, BUT LAST NIGHT IT WAS THE WORST.  
CG: I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE TO BE HONEST.  
TG: jesus christ, over a week  
CG: YEAH, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET KANAYA TO FIX IT, BUT YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER HER.  
TG: oh my god  
TG: that conversation is going to be embarrassing   
CG: HOW?  
TG: well you said *noise* was coming from down the hall, where kanaya's room is for over a week now  
TG: if i had to talk to rose about *noise* i sure would be embarrassed   
CG: UH...I'M JUST GOING TO ASK HER TO GET HER AIR SYSTEM FIXED. IT'S BEEN RATTLING A LOT LATELY. HOW DOES ONE FIND THAT EMBARRASSING?  
TG: oh, i was way off   
TG: but why the hell did you put noise surrounded by asterisks, someone could definitely take that the wrong way  
CG: SCREW YOU, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASSUME EVERYTHING IS AUTOMATICALLY SEXUAL?!  
TG: that statement you just made was sexual  
CG: I'M SO DONE WITH YOU.  
TG: wait, does this mean that we're getting a divorce   
TG: i thought you loved me karkles  
CG: WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG STRIDER.  
TG: fine im giving you the ring back  
TG: but im keeping our child  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DAVE?  
TG: you obviously don't care, im leaving  
TG: and im taking the mayor with me  
TG: badwell mr vantas  
CG: COME BACK HERE DUMBASS.  
TG: *gasps* you do love me  
CG: WHATEVER  
TG: thats good enough for me  
CG: WELL, I'M GOING TO GO TALK TO KANAYA ABOUT THE AIR SYSTEM.  
TG: *wonk*  
CG: GODDAMNIT DAVE, DON'T PUT TRAUMATIZING IMAGES OF MY SISTER IN MY HEAD.  
TG: you did it first  
CG: ANYWAYS, I'LL MESSAGE YOU LATER. BUT I'M NOT TAKING ANY OF YOUR SHIT.  
TG: aye aye captain karkles

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	14. the cape man is a badass

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: bitch  
CG: JERK  
TG: there's the karkat i know  
CG: IS THERE A KARKAT YOU DON'T KNOW?  
TG: yes  
CG: UH...OK THEN.  
CG: WHY DID YOU EVEN MESSAGE ME, IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BE STUPID?  
TG: because  
TG: i need your opinion   
CG: WOW, I'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED.  
CG: YOU WANT *MY* OPINION ON SOMETHING?  
TG: yes  
CG: ON WHAT?  
TG: me  
CG: WAIT, WHAT?  
TG: i want to know what you think about me, seriously   
CG: THAT'S A...UH...QUESTION.  
CG: WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT YOU?  
TG: i don't know man, just answer  
CG: ALRIGHT, WELL FOR STARTERS, YOUR AN ANNOYING PRICK...WHO CARES A WHOLE FUCKING LOT ABOUT PEOPLE OTHER THAN YOURSELF, YOUR A DOUCHEBAG THAT IS AMAZINGLY TALENTED, AND A JERK WHO IS AN AMAZING MATESPRITE AND MOIRAIL.  
CG: NOW, TELL ME WHY YOU NEEDED TO KNOW ALL OF THIS, BECAUSE YOU SHOULD ALREADY.  
TG: i  
TG: thank you  
CG: COME ON DUDE, WHERE'S YOUR ASSHOLE SELF TO GIVE ME A SMUG REASON ABOUT WHY I HAD TO COMPLEMENT YOU?  
TG: it's not that, it's i guess that ive kinda been feeling down   
CG: WOAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE *THE* DAVE STRIDER ADMITTED HIS FEELINGS. I DIDN'T THINK HEROES WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.  
CG: YOU, SIR, ARE A FUCKING BADASS.  
TG: im no hero  
TG: heroes arent supposed to be this way  
CG: BRO, BELIEVE ME, YOU ARE A HERO. YOU MAY NOT BE IN THE COMIC BOOKS (YET), BUT YOU'VE DONE THINGS NONE OF US WOULD'VE DONE.  
TG: ive just been a burden to you guys TG: why would you even need me  
CG: BECAUSE, DAVE STRIDER, KNIGHT OF TIME, ANNOYING PRICK, BADASS CAPE MAN IS OUR BEST FRIEND, AND WE NEED HIM.  
TG: really  
CG: YES, DAVE, REALLY.  
TG: thanks man  
TG: but you're a hero  
CG: WELL, THEN WE'LL BOTH BE HEROES, SAVING THE LADIES AND MAKING SOME SICK RHYMES WHILE WE DO.  
TG: that sounds amazing  
CG: HEY, I CAN GET TEREZI TO WRITE A COMIC ABOUT IT FOR YOU.  
TG: ok, that's legit  
TG: i guess, ill see how that goes  
CG: AND HEY MAN  
TG: what  
CG: I LOVE YOU  
TG: love you too

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	15. Double Date???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so last chapter in this series! That's because. . .wait for it. . .I'm creating a new pesterlog series! I feel as if when I started this work it wasn't really taken seriously, and no literate value was provided. It'd take a long time to edit frickin' fourteen chapters, so I'm just going to create a new series! Thank you readers for reading this grammatical mess thus far! ^u^

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: HEY, DAVE, YOU THERE?  
TG: yeah  
TG: whats the haps  
CG: THE HAPS? I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY TO COMPREHEND YOUR BULLSHIT HUMAN SLANG.  
CG: I'VE ACTUALLY COME BEARING GOOD NEWS.  
TG: great what is it  
CG: I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE LEGITIMATELY INTERESTED IN WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU OR IF YOU'RE JUST FUCKING WITH ME.  
TG: i bet you want the latter *insert lenny face here*  
CG: DAVE FUCKING STRIDER, CAN WE PLEASE HAVE A MATURE AND SERIOUS CONVERSATION WITHOUT YOUR WEIRD ASS HUMAN COURTING RITUALS?  
TG: Oh, Of Course, Dear Mr. Vantas. Please Excuse My Ill Mannerisms, As They Were Completely Unnecessary And Irrelevant To The Aforesaid Topic In Which You Were Beginning To Describe.  
CG: I'M FACEPALMING RIGHT NOW DAVE. SERIOUSLY, MY HAND HAS HIT MY FACE SO HARD I THINK I'VE BROKEN MY NOSE.  
TG: well if you facepalmed any harder you might knock something loose and reach my level  
CG: YOU- YOU JUST INSULTED YOURSELF, YOU REALIZE THAT RIGHT? AND NO, IF I FACEPALMED ANY HARDER I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE A THINKPAN TO EVEN TRY AND COMPREHEND WHAT BULLSHIT YOU'RE SPEWING!  
TG: ok dude you said you came bearing good news not debating our iq levels  
CG: OH, THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME. YES, WELL, ROSE AND KANAYA HAVE INVITED US TO A FIVE STAR RESTAURANT.  
TG: like a double date  
CG: NO! THEY NEVER MENTIONED A "DATE" OF SORTS! THEY'RE JUST OUR FRIENDS AND THEY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US!  
TG: i just want you to think for a minute  
TG: rose and kanaya are a *married* couple  
TG: they invited *us* meaning two  
TG: to a *five star* restaurant  
TG: how the fuck did you think this was considered *hanging out*  
CG: UH. . .  
CG: WELL, DAMN.  
TG: im glad you were finally able to come to your senses  
CG: WAIT, WHAT DOES A HUMAN "DOUBLE DATE" CONSIST OF?  
TG: well i guess it depends on where youre going  
TG: going to a five star restaurant on a double date just means to be classy and romantic and shit  
CG: DEFINE "ROMANTIC".  
TG: dude you seriously did not just ask me that question  
TG: only a total dumbass would ask that but then again look at who im talking to  
CG: WELL OK ASSHOLE. I KNOW WHAT ROMANTIC MEANS, HAVE YOU EVEN FUCKING SEEN MY COLLECTION OF HIGH QUALITY ROM-COMS?! I WAS ASKING THIS TO SEE IF IT IS INTERPRETED DIFFERENTLY IN HUMAN TERMS AND WHAT ROMANTIC CONSISTS OF ON A DOUBLE DATE!  
TG: woah man  
TG: take a chill pill  
TG: romantic on a double date usually is defined by a kiss on the cheek and some light flirtation  
TG: in general its just lovey dovey shit  
CG: I. . .IS A DOUBLE DATE RESERVED FOR THE FLUSH QUADRANT?  
TG: bingo  
CG: GODDAMNIT  
TG: youll be fine dude  
TG: pfft its obvious youve got like a huge crush on me anyway  
TG: itll be all your dreams coming true  
CG: THAT'S NOT HOW I DESCRIBED OUR RELATIONSHIP! WE'RE LIKE. . .PALEBLACKMATES?  
TG: fuck is that  
CG: WELL, SOMETIMES WE'RE PALE, BEING HUMAN "BROS", OTHER TIMES WE'RE BLACK, LIKE RIGHT NOW, AND SOMETIMES WE'RE RED.  
TG: sounds an awful lot like human romance to me bro  
CG: IT'S NOT! YOU JUST WON'T PICK A FUCKING QUADRANT TO BE IN WITH ME!  
TG: kinda sounds like you want to be in all the quadrants with me  
TG: all of them  
CG: WELL. . .NOT EXACTLY! THAT'S JUST HOW YOU MAKE IT!  
TG: damnit am i just gonna have to come right out and say it  
CG: SAY WHAT?  
TG: that im in fucking human love with you  
CG:. . .  
TG: kark  
CG:. . .  
TG: cmon bro  
CG: I'LL GO ON THE DOUBLE DATE WITH YOU AND. . .  
CG: I. . .LOVE YOU TOO.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]


End file.
